Sometimes I look at the world and the people around me and I wonder if I am broken of if the world is broken. I am a deep thinking, well a forward thinker if you will. I don't see things the same way as other people might, I guess you could say I live and think in the gray areas as opposed to the white or the black areas. A white lie can go a long way, but we lie to protect things around us (usually but it can get out of hand) although we can get caught up in those little white lies and they become much much bigger. I am starting to see that just being honest regardless of how brutally honest you might be; it is better much better. If we hide things or cover things up in the long run they over take us mentally and can just destroy us and everything we hold dear. White lies are but one of my many flaws that I am starting to see about myself. They say the truth will set you free......and I am working on that.....
I won't lie I often see myself as a bad person; I am told I am not and part of me knows that I am not. However, try as I might I still see myself as a bad person for certain things I have done and so on. I know I am only human and a lot of things we do are just part of who we are. We can be aware of certain things we are doing and feel bad for what we are doing but we still do it. This is human nature and we can't change human nature, we can only live life and see the mistakes we have made. Forgiveness is also in human nature, it may take time but people can forgive for certain things, it just takes time to heal certain wounds. As people, we are who we are, friend or foe.
Anger, I thought I had it under control, and in a way I do. I don't direct it towards anyone or anything really anymore. I turn my anger and my hate towards myself and I blame myself for things that happen instead of blaming others. Now in this situation sometimes it is my fault and I am right to be angry with myself however there are situations that rise and maybe they are but maybe they aren't my fault, regardless I still blame myself big time and I punish myself mentally for "my transgressions". Why do I do this? I honestly have no idea, maybe I have something against confrontation and I would rather deal with it internally rather that externally. However I am noticing that it is wearing me down mentally and physically to the point I am detaching myself more and more from things around me. I don't feel like myself most of the time and I don't feel like "my friends" are "my friends". Hopefully that makes sense to someone out there. I know I am not perfect (clearly) however sometimes I just want the sky to crack open and smack me in the face and tell me I am being stupid (please don't take it upon yourself to find me and smack me). I don't know what is worse, that I can see these problems with myself or I am not doing anything to make it better. There are many days I find myself sitting on the edge just wanting to fall; I know everyone's life is hard in its own ways. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, I see that, the problem lies within my mind nothing else nothing more.
This summer has been an interesting summer to say the least so far, it is like I am discovering who I am for the first time and what makes me tick. I am who I am take it or leave it, I have my flaws but so does everyone else, so if you think your are perfect or "Awesome" do me a favor and punch yourself in the throat (repeatedly). I find that the human brain is amazing in everything that it can do and the way it perceives things around us. Just by writing and reading what I have written it allows me to reflect on a lot of things in my life. I guess all in all this summer has been a "journey" of self-discovery (good or bad) and making me realize a lot of things about myself. Unfortunately I have hurt someone very close to me during all of this and I regret that more than anything honestly. I truly wish my issues didn't create issues for those around me but they do and I can't change that. In closing I am deeply sorry to anyone out there that I have hurt these past few months, I truly am.
The greatest achievement is selflessness.The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
-Atisha
